The face I'll never forget

Yesterday, I went to Marine Lines for some me time . To see the red sun dunk into the expanse of the Arabian Sea is an experience so fulfilling, I don't mind traveling three and a half hours in Mumbai's overcrowded local trains to feel it. And I do it very often. Yesterday, was a little different though. Instead of the gratifying feeling I get every time, something weighed heavily on me while I was leaving.

There was this little girl, hardly 4-5 who came to me with little red roses clenched in her little fists and asked me if I could buy one. I looked at her. A lean dusky innocent face, very striking because unlike those street urchins who get used to the grind and harsh realities of life, becoming big and bratty too soon, this one had sadness and it felt like she had been forced to get to work. There were dried tear marks on her cheeks. Lovingly, I asked, "Kitne ka hai?".

"Dus", she replied.

I took one from her and reached out for my pocket to pay. I had one 50 rupee note and one 100 rupee note. I asked her, "Aapke paas change hai?"

"Nahi", she said.

I found myself in an uncomfortable situation. I didn't want to let her go without having bought the rose. I didn't want her to not have achieved what she wanted to. In this case, the objective was as small as selling a rose for mere ten rupees.

For a moment I thought, I can give her 50 for the rose. But then I was like, "50 for 1 rose?That's too much!" I had actually wanted just one and that too for the sake of that little girl. And that feeling was so overwhelming, it just didn't strike me that I could buy 5 roses for 50. The "charity" figure of "rupees 10" was so imprinted in my mind, that when I realized I didn't have 10 rupees, I felt helpless. I felt bad, but I just let her go, saying, "Sorry, dus nahi hai." She didn't say anything and walked away asking the completely lost-in-each-other couple next to me to buy one. And not surprisingly, they were least bothered to even look at her.

Hurriedly I reached for my bag hoping to find the orange I had dropped into it while leaving home.After groping for sometime I realized, I had given it away to an old poor woman at the station on my way.

Somehow, the guilt of not being able to help the child started to fade away. I literally spoke these words to myself , "I did my part today. I gave the old woman something to eat."

I just kept watching the little girl walk from person to person. The sun had set, it grew dark and soon she was out of sight.

Then came the chai wala. I felt elated. "I'll get the change from the chai wala and buy a rose from the little one. I'll give her 20 for 1." I hoped,I prayed the little girl to come back the same route so I could buy from her. I waited, 5 minutes...10 minutes...20 minutes...she didn't come back.

I felt bad. I felt sad. I felt guilty. What stopped me from giving away the fifty rupee note I had in my pocket? And what on earth made me ask her for change? Did she even know the math? We are so occupied with the value of money and making loads of it that losing some of it for a good deed is an action against our programmed minds. Haven't we conditioned our minds against our souls whose inherent nature is to find oneness in all? To connect and to help? Fifty wasn't too much for me, but it would have meant a lot to her.

I got up, hating myself. Kept walking, battling my thoughts, staring at the dark sea.

Flying Colors

Making rangoli is one of my favorite Diwali rituals. This art that I picked up not long back is one that has not only turned out to be one of the most engaging and peaceful activities that I have ever pursued but has become a curious case for eye specialists. When making rangolis, I face a strange physical problem in my eyes. They start watering and turn red when concentrating on colors for long. An hour into coloring, and boundaries start getting blurred. I start to see things in multiples! The weird part is, I have no problems reading, writing text(no matter how small the font) for hours non stop. It's only with the colors! Regardless to say, I face the same problem when painting, making mehendis and of late cooking colorful dishes!What next? Problems in laptopping too? Nooooooo!!

No, I haven't been negligent about it. I went to couple of eye specialists and tried to explain my problem but they got me tested for color blindness. I have perfect eye sight and I am NOT color blind is what has been diagnosed. Wow, what a discovery! And now being clueless on what to do about it, my hobbies have taken a back seat. If someone understands my problem or has experienced it and has some useful advice, please call/mail/talk to me, you ;will be a God-send! Or if by chance some crazy medical practitioner comes across this blog post, please consider this as a topic of research. I'll pray you achieve some break through and come up with flying colors :D

Coming back to the Rangolis. No I am not an expert to give tips on how to make Rangolis. I have heard use of sieves to make neat rangolis, but haven't tried out myself yet. But guess will have to try it out soon, as they say it's quicker. By the way, this post is entirely for record purpose. My page of rangolis. My drop in this vast ocean of digital space :)

आज सोचा हमने

आज  सोचा हमने
संभालें उन ज़ख्मों को
जिनपर मली गयी थी वक़्त की दवा
लेकिन वो ज़ख्म अब
निशाँ के हवाले हो चुके थे

आज सोचा हमने
फाड़ दें उन पन्नों को
जिनमें समेटे थे गुज़रे कुछ पल
लेकिन तबाह होने से पहले
अफ़साने आँखों में बयाँ हो चुके थे

आज सोचा हमने
अश्कों से धो डालें
यादों की हर तस्वीर को
लेकिन छलकने से पहले ही
अश्क संग हवा के उड़ चुके थे

आज सोचा हमने
समझायें अपनी आँखों को
वो देखें नया कोई सपना
लेकिन संवरने से पहले ही
सपने फिर बिख़र चुके थे

आज सोचा हमने
लिखी जाए एक ग़ज़ल
एक और तराना
लेकिन कागज़ पर उमड़ने से पहले ही
जज़्बात बेज़ुबां हो चुके थे

आज सोचा हमने
दोबारा करें शुरू ये ज़िन्दगी
इस मरतबा खुद के लिए
लेकिन शुरुआत करने से पहले ही
हम फिर किसी और के हो चुके थे

A destructive love affair!

A bad bad bad day today!!! Migraine, once again! How much this stubborn ailment loves me! How much it misses me! So intense, so possessive, so restrictive! How can I be all smiles in its absence! Such an ardent lover, 3 Migranil tablets seem like some candy to it! Naah, not a lover, a sadist! God knows, it's my temperament that attracts it, or its arrival is what makes me temperamental! And it never comes alone. It always has its mistresses tagged along...nausea and fever! Yeah, I am forced into an awful fousome! And what tragedy, I don't have an option of a divorce! According to my lawyer, I can either reduce the intensity whenever it arrives or increase the time between its arrivals! By the way, I have already shown the litter box to its fetishes like caffeine, soft drinks and dark chocolate to keep it at a distance. But it ain't a weak lover, it loves challenges and always finds a way in. Of late, it has discovered a new route: my laptop screen. That's the only window that keeps me connected to my people and through it, it barges into my privacy! 

And you know how was our first meet like?  I had moved in to a new flat. I was late from work, utterly exhausted. I was walking down the lane at around mid night, completely unaware that it was stalking me. And when I hit my bed, there it was, on me and in me! Why was I the chosen one? KARMA ! I had moved in to an apartment that was just next to a building that hosted a massive Reliance tower. So you see, who the Cupid was? Yeah, that tower aimed those cellular frequencies at me, the union was destined!

And now I have to be happy with what I have been tethered to. Right now I am trying my best to keep myself distracted and typing khata khat is the only way to engage my mind that is already overwhelmed with the attack and is wailingly running for its life, looking for an outlet to pour into!

Now that definitely is a bad relationship and the sad part is I don't have an escape route! Siiighhhhh!!!

Guess what? I am feeling better now and I think this ad hoc write up deserves a place in my blog :D But what about the title??? "A destructive love affair" ??? ;) :D